life, love and the pursuit of Abs

I'm an emotional eater. This isn't a surprise to anyone. Food has always been a comfort for me. Not necessarily a comfort for my pant size, but a momentary pat on the back, that would ruin me and make me feel guiltier than hell within 1 hours time.

Most days I'm on. I eat Paleo, I'm a Crossfit Hermitage junkie, I stay focused and keep my goals in mind. I decided back in October that I was tired of never knowing what my clothes were going to look like. I'd eat within the confines of gluten and dairy free, but still mainlined trash into my system and wondered why my scale was quaking in fear every time I came within a 12 foot radius. I was unhappy with where I was, and who I was, so I ate to feel better. I then realized that I was doing nothing by trying to solve emotional issues with tequila and french fries. So I stopped drinking all together, and I haven't touched a white potato in months. I eat Paleo 90% of the time, (sometimes, a girl needs rice) and I don't let emotions get in the way of my fitness goals, anymore...usually. I've worked very hard to develop a focus and not allow any amount of anger, sadness or frustration to steer me down the chip aisle. Yesterday, I gave in.

You see, yesterday morning I went to the courthouse and was granted a divorce. Most people know about this, or have figured it out due to the fact that I've dropped my married name off of all of my social media accounts. It's sad, when you love someone and it just doesn't work out. However, Matt and I are still on really great terms. We aren't at each others throats and we certainly don't hate each other. We just didn't work. End of story. I can logically look at this situation and see that everything is as it should be. Oh but emotional Holland, the hormonal weepy beast that lives inside of me, the one who loves "The Notebook" and thinks snuggling and kissing are the two greatest pass times on the planet, she came out yesterday. Not in the form of tears, or even anger, in the form of ravenous hunger. I literally ate everything I could find yesterday. Fruity pebbles? check. Pho? Check. Gummy bears? bet your ass.  I binge ate and felt no remorse. Until I had a splitting headache from the 4,567 grams of sugar I ingested. it was awful. I felt like garbage... actually... it's 12 hours and 2 clean meals later and I still feel like garbage. I'm so angry at myself for falling off the wagon so hard, and for allowing emotional Holland to ruin Crossfit Holland's hard work. Emotional Holland thought it was the end of the world though, and lets face it. if the world ends... my last meal damn well better have sour patch kids in it. 

when I woke up this morning, I was ashamed; at my behavior, at the EMPTY fruity peebles box sitting on the counter, but mostly of my inability to deal with this life change as an adult. So today, I am not going to feel sorry for myself, and I'm not going to be embarrassed. That's what all of this is rooted from, anyway. I'm 28 years old and I've got 2 divorces under my belt. That's quite a lot of baggage. However, this is the only life I get. My only desire is to sing and be happy. To have a family and to live the fullest life I can for as long as the good lord allows. I can look anyone in the eye and say that I've made some questionable decisions, but I don't consider one of them a mistake. I've learned so much about who I am, and what I actually want in life. Looking at it now, that isn't anything to be ashamed of. I'm proud of the chances I've taken, and the lessons I've learned. sure, I've stumbled, fell a few times, failed a few times, but that's life. That's what all of this is about. So when I leave the house today, I will do so with my head held high. Knowing that I'll get it right eventually, and there is no pressure to be perfect. Only opportunity to be the best me I can possibly be. 

Here's to life, love and the pursuit of Abs. 

My Neck...My Back...

It's been more than 6 months since I blogged.  I should feel a tad bit guilty, but I don't. I've been knee deep in album tracks, figuring out what it's like to be a newlywed, and crossfit, that I just haven't had the time to sit and commit to something that I was going to post for the world. I tend to ramble, so I wanted to wait until I had something a tad more specific to talk about. So I'm going to talk about my stupid back. Yes, my stupid, dumb, jerk-faced back.

You see things had been going really well for me at Crossfit, I was super stoked that I was seeing big changes.  Higher 1 Rep maxes, faster times, less gasping for life and praying for salvation, slimming down and getting stronger, things were on track. Naturally, what goes up must come down (cue violins) and on Thanksgiving break I injured my back during a workout while I was out of town. (It's a long story, no-ones fault. different programming and such.) I was in a whole lot of pain. I was doubled over and living on a heating pad. Then my neck started acting up because I was compensating my weight on the right side of my body to avoid pain in the left side of my body. It was lovely. I ended up missing about 3.5 weeks of Crossfit, once I got back home from vacation. This started my vicious cycle of trying to rest, beating myself up for resting, weighing every 12 seconds, and checking every mirror within a 58 miles radius to make sure I didn't somehow gain all my weight back over night. 

I find it exhausting how much I fear (probably quite irrationally) waking up and being right back where I started. 60 pounds ago could very well be my worst nightmare. I was stressed about gaining weight, so naturally, I ate. Food is my best worst enemy. I am either using it 100% as sustenance or 100% as comfort. No Middle ground, no gray area. So when I could no longer work my stress out in the gym, I worked it out in the kitchen.

Ok, ok, let me stop you there. Don't get this image of me sitting crossed legged in my kitchen crying into a bag of Lay's. It wasn't that extreme. I struggled with NOT going back to my old tendencies of counting calories and borderline starving to death to make sure I didn't gain an ounce. So in the grand scheme of things, I'm glad that I'm not in that place anymore, where I think no food is the answer. However, I ate a half a chicken one day. That's right, I'm telling the world. I ate half a dag-on chicken. I was stress eating, it was there, and I validated it by saying that I was eating paleo and it wasn't that bad. I regretted this decision 30 minutes later when I was in a poultry coma on my couch and useless for the rest of the evening. I did splurge some throughout my Crossfit Hermitage hiatus. Whoever made Maple bacon kettle chips should be given a medal then slapped with it.(See, I told you they weren't Lay's) Thankfully though, I made it through, only about 2 pounds heavier. Not too shabby for nearly 25 days of netflix and Tiger Balm.

My back is better, with virtually no pain, and I'm back at the box for 3-4 days a week.(Lynne Pool is a magician of a massage therapist. look her up) So now I'm at the beginning of my next journey. Getting back to 90% Paleo, getting back to my CFH family 5 days a week, and back to the confidence I need to get those damned pull-ups! Let's do this. 

mmmmmm food

everything in moderation? Oh, that's cute.

I wish I could be that sort of person. The one that has the willpower to have just one cookie or just a few french fries. Even when I hype myself up and think, I can do this! I'll eat a bunch of "healthy" stuff and just have a little of the bad stuff, I end up eating my weight in potato chips(Salt and vinegar, you are the devil) ....and naturally, hating myself for it.

Ever found yourself in a bad/stressful/happy/busy/boring day and thought....I could really go for some (fill in the greasy, fatty, unhealthy blank) right now? Me too. a little too often actually... it's dealing with these cravings that has become the biggest problem for me. I don't mind the hard work we do at CrossFit, I actually LOVE it, it's the food that I struggle with.

As I've said before, food is really emotional for me. It's my one true addiction, but unlike drug addicts or alcoholics, I actually have to have what I am addicted to, to survive. So there you have my strongest weakness. Food, making sure I eat the right things..that will help me perform better, and not let myself fall back into the habits of eating poorly, just because it's easier or comforting.

Now don't get me wrong, I am all about a cheat day. Especially if I am having a particular craving that I just can't kick, and I know I will drive myself crazy until I get whatever it is that I have a hankering for. (usually french fries or gluten and dairy free donuts.)

As a general rule, I stick with a paleo meal plan 90% of the time. For those of you who don't know, that means I eat :

 Meat- (grass fed when possible, if available, and if I can afford it...I'm a singer for a living...remember!)

Vegetables-Spaghetti squash, cauliflower, sweet potatoes ( in moderation) kale, spinach, onions, tomatoes, olives, peppers, zucchini, broccoli, and asparagus. ** you can have WAY more than this, but I am a creature of habit, and not always creative when it comes to food, so I stick with what I know I can cook and freeze easily)

Fruits-Apples, pineapples, grapes, melon, strawberries and oranges. **Here is where it gets a little tricky for me, although you are "allowed" to have fruits on a paleo meal plan, sugar is still sugar. so I steer clear of this later in the evening, and I only go with one serving of fruit a day. That isn't necessary for everyone, but I feel like it keeps me on track, and also keeps my sugar cravings down

 It's really easy to write down all the things I am supposed to use as my main source of nutrition. But here is the ugly truth. I am, and will always be a carb lover. Yes, I said it... I heart carbs. Rice, bread (even if it has to be gluten free) pasta, bread, and also....bread. Bread and cheese have been the two most difficult foods for me to "let go". Since going gluten and dairy free, for health purposes (studies show that people living with epilepsy that cut gluten and dairy out of their diet are way less likely to suffer from seizures, migraines, and insomnia. And as far as my experience goes, it's true. I went from having multiple seizures a day to only having one in the last year and a half.) it was a little less difficult for me to make the paleo switch this past December, but it still wasn't easy. I've always been really good at cutting one food out of my life, but somehow finding another that was just as bad, that I like just as much.

My best example....CORN.

Don't get me wrong, corn works for some people, and they have all sorts of awesome gluten free products out there where rice and corn are the main ingredients, but I took it to an extreme. I stopped eating bread, so I started putting EVERYTHING on a corn tortilla.  Want a burger, put it on a corn tortilla. Scrambled eggs with sausage and peppers, put it on a tortilla. I am NOT knocking corn, or it's by products... but when you go through a 50 pack of corn tortillas in 4 days... it's time for an intervention. Something about my brain thought that I just couldn't have a meal if it didn't consist of some sort of starchy bread like substance. This was a super hard habit to break. Again, corn isn't part of a paleo plan, and I wanted to get rid of  all of the things that were keeping me from the best I could feel while working so hard. (Like I said, CrossFit=Paleo. It's the only way to do it, in my opinion)

I said in my earlier blog that I have been hypnotized. I'm sure that some people see this as "hocus pocus" or they don't believe in it, and maybe it is just a mind game. I spent the chunk of money to have a "Weight release" done. Basically what happens is you go in to see the hypnotist and they ask you what you crave, and what do you feel is keeping you from losing weight. At that time, I was already gluten free, but I was definitely not dairy free. I found myself dipping cubes of swiss cheese into blue cheese dressing as a snack and thought, if I don't do something about this I'm going to have my own gravitational pull. So, dairy was the main focus, and let me tell you something, not only have I not eaten  one bite of dairy since I was hypnotized the first time, it legit grosses me out. The thought of butter or cheese on anything that I eat just doesn't do it for me anymore. Like I said, some people might think it's bogus, but kicking the dairy really helped me work out of a weight loss plateau and honestly, just feel better.

Apart from alternative methods, these are the other things I have found to be SUPER helpful:

GET IT OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. Don't keep bags of pasta, bread, cookies etc. in the house because your spouse or kids like it. Food is food, and those things aren't great for you anyway, so make them eat the same damn thing you do! They will survive and be better for it!

DECIDE WHAT YOU ARE EATING BEFORE YOU GET INTO A RESTAURANT. Don't even open the menu. This one has helped me so much, I can't even tell you. Having been a waitress for such a long time, I know that everyone in the world can make you a grilled chicken breast, a piece of salmon or a steak, no butter no oil, and most restaurants have fresh vegetables. and if not, get a dry side salad (no cheese no croutons, with oil and vinegar on the side)...but if you make these decisions to eat right without opening the menu, it makes it easier for you to stick with your commitment to eat healthy. And sure, it sucks to watch your friends eat cheeseburgers and fries while you have a grilled chicken breast, but in the end, you're gonna be so strong...you can beat them up... I'm just saying.

DESSERT. We aren't 12, we don't have to have dessert after every meal. WE JUST DON'T. But if it's a special occasion, find a way to make it APAP (as paleo as possible) for example, at my wedding, we had gluten free dairy free cupcakes, they were made with almond flour and a vegan butter and they were straight up delicious. (No one even knew they were gluten and dairy free) Granted, they still had sugar, but I was able to be a little bad without feeling like I was cheating all the hard work I had done to fit into that size six dress!!

Ok, enough on food for now.

Be strong, eat well, kick @$$!

Getting started...over and over again

My goal is fitness and health, and to remain somewhat sane while achieving both.

I've been on a weight loss/healthy living/trying to fit into last years jeans kick for as long as I can remember. I've done every diet from Weight Watchers to Nutrisystem. I've counted calories, I've gone vegetarian. I've even gone so far as to spend $30.00 on a book about what I should eat for my blood type. Always in some search of a cure all. of some magic food or drink or pill that would make me wake up 5'8 and 125 pounds. Well I'm still 5'4, and 125 pounds may very well never happen, BUT my attitude about everything most definitely has. I've decided to start blogging after some suggestions and encouragement from my friends, who have seen how hard I have worked, and how much I have put into working towards my goals of fitness... and being able to wear shorts in public without scaring small children.

So this is where I will write about my struggles, my accomplishments and my cravings. It may never reach anyone, it may be boring as hell and get snubbed by "real" fitness folks, but it's mine, and I'm going to do my best to keep up with it. Best case scenario, it helps keep me motivated to continue on my path and possibly motivates someone else, worst case, I blog for 3 days and then decide I'm not that interesting. :]

Here's a little back story. I moved to Nashville to become a singer. I love music, I love performance, I've been told I have the personality and stage presence for the music biz...BUT and believe me...there was always a BUT... I would need to focus on my "size". I've always struggled with weight, well it isn't the weight I struggled with, I gained it pretty easily, it's the not eating myself into a coma that proved to be pretty difficult. I'm an emotional eater. what emotion, you ask? all of them. when I was happy... I'd celebrate with food, when I was sad...I'd cry into a bag of chips. When I was angry, I'd take it out on a box of mac and cheese. All of these things left me feeling awesome for 3.5 seconds until I'd freak out, hop on the scale, and then decide (on a tuesday) that since I had blown my "diet" I'd have to eat like a mad woman until monday...because DUH... you can only start a diet on a MONDAY! It's way easier to procrastinate than to self motivate.

Once I got the "your weight is keeping you from your dreams" speech, I decided to do something about it. First thing was first. Gluten. I have epilepsy (we'll save that for another blog) but the long and the short of it is, I shouldn't be eating gluten anyway, not just because it is bad for you, but because it's REALLY bad for you if you have seizures. so I stopped eating it. I'd love to say it was that easy, but it was more of a gradual process, cut out bread one week, cut out pasta the next week, and then...bye bye beer. It wasn't easy, but I made the commitment. I also decided to take the weight loss slow. it wasn't coming off in a week so there was no way I was going to stick with it if I starved myself of everything or anything for that matter. I'd give up. I know me too well.

The next step was getting in the gym. I HATE and let me emphasize, HATE  working out. I used to try and run, I've never been a runner, I have a terrible stride and I've found that if there isn't something chasing me, there isn't much point to the activity. I AM NOT knocking anyone that has the will power, stamina and ability to run. I actually envy you. It just isn't for me. So the next best thing was circuit training. I started working with John Holley at Lean Fitness in Nashville. He is and will always be one of the biggest steps in the right direction for my weight loss. When I started with John, I was nearly 185  pounds. Every workout was a struggle, things that shouldn't have been so difficult for me where the most challenging things I have ever done. jumping jacks, squats, sort of jogging on a treadmill. His patience and positive energy were exactly what I needed. Granted, I still hated working out, but John made it more enjoyable than any other trainer I had worked with in the past, mostly because the man REALLY knows what he is talking about. I started to lose weight, and then I started to venture out and try new work out methods. John suggested Hot Yoga...which I actually fell in love with off the bat. If you don't like heat, it's not for you. if you don't like quiet, it's definitely not for you, where my problems started creeping in were, I wasn't 13 pounds, and it's a little intimidating when you stand beside a woman who has her leg wrapped around her neck, while hardly breaking a sweat in her 90$ yoga pants that she just so happens to look super hot in, meanwhile I am two heart beats away from needing medical assistance and looking like I have just been rode hard and hung up wet. (lovely saying, isn't it?!)

I know I know... don't compare yourself to other people. Here is what I think about that. There are two kinds of people. The ones that compare themselves to other people, and the ones that lie about it. Guess which one I am. :]

So after the Hot Yoga era, I decided maybe I needed to be in an environment where I could challenge myself, and see if working out was something I could do on my own, without having someone watch me every second to make sure I was working hard enough. By this point, I was completely gluten free AND dairy free (the dairy was a super tough one, I actually had to be hypnotized... we'll save that for another day) My next venture, Insanity. Beach body has  quite a few really great videos out there. I tried p90x. although I appreciated how hard it was, and that it was so structured, it just wasn't my thing. I had never really lifted weights or done pull-ups, which was a huge chunk of the workouts, so I didn't think I was getting the best workout I could get. I did Turbo fire, but my self esteem couldn't take it. after watching all of those women bounce around and not jiggle an ounce, I didn't find myself motivated, I found myself disgusted with what was happening every time I high kicked and saw what happened to my legs. it was, pretty gross. So Insanity it was. I liked the fact that you work hard from the gate, you stop when you need to, and you KNOW you are getting a good workout...because you're sweating buckets and nearly crying. I think the thing that kept me motivated throughout doing the insanity program was the fact that in the video, they all struggle, everyone is sweating and praying and struggling...and I need that sort of camaraderie. By the time I was done with 2 cycles of insanity, I was weighing in at about 155 pounds. I was feeling good and wanting to push harder and see more results. I think after you do a workout like insanity, and then you repeat it, two things happen. You're body gets used to doing those same moves...and you get a little bored. That might be a bit too much of a generalization, but that's at least what happened for me. So after hearing my husband sing the praises of CrossFit, I thought, ehhh why not. I could try that. I mean, how hard can it be...right?

I did the research and found a box (that's what they call a CrossFit gym. trendy, huh?!) near me. I went to my very first training class at CrossFit Hermitage and there was just something different about the place. There was a feeling in the air, (not to get too cheesy) a feeling of hard work and accomplishment, motivation and drive...and I knew I wanted to be a part of it. Not to mention the trainers there. Brandi and Tom have such a great knowledge not only of working out, but of nutrition and motivation, and that makes a huge difference! after being on with CrossFit for about a month I decided to switch to a Paleo lifestyle. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's eating pretty much like the cavemen did. If it has a face, you can eat it. leafy vegetables and fruits (within moderation...sugar is still sugar) are okay, but kiss the dairy, wheat,oats, grains, beans, corn and potatoes goodbye. luckily, I was already gluten and dairy free, so I just had to lose the rice,beans, corn and potatoes. it was a struggle, but at that point, you start to see that the better you feed your body, the better you operate, and believe me, when it comes to CrossFit...you want to operate at your highest potential. (Google Paleo diet to get more details if you are interested, it works, and you get to have bacon...everyone wins!)

The best way I can think to sum up a CrossFit workout is this; you sweat, you learn, you push, you pray, you push harder, and then when it is all said and done, you are amazed at what you have just accomplished. Now don't get me wrong, I am sure CrossFit isn't for everyone. All I know is, it's the only workout I have ever looked forward to. I go 5 days a week, and the changes I have seen in my body, in my performance, and in my attitude towards food has changed so much that it surprises even me. I'm stronger, I'm faster, I'm smaller...and I am continuously moving forward on my fitness journey, to become a better me.

Today I weight 137 pounds. I've gone from a size 33 or 34 to a size 27 or 28. I'm not done, but I don't think I will ever be. Being done would mean I could quite, and I want to do this as long as I possibly can. I just know I am stronger and a better version of myself physically and my music, which is my ultimate goal, won't ever be slowed down by what's on the scale again.