life, love and the pursuit of Abs

I'm an emotional eater. This isn't a surprise to anyone. Food has always been a comfort for me. Not necessarily a comfort for my pant size, but a momentary pat on the back, that would ruin me and make me feel guiltier than hell within 1 hours time.

Most days I'm on. I eat Paleo, I'm a Crossfit Hermitage junkie, I stay focused and keep my goals in mind. I decided back in October that I was tired of never knowing what my clothes were going to look like. I'd eat within the confines of gluten and dairy free, but still mainlined trash into my system and wondered why my scale was quaking in fear every time I came within a 12 foot radius. I was unhappy with where I was, and who I was, so I ate to feel better. I then realized that I was doing nothing by trying to solve emotional issues with tequila and french fries. So I stopped drinking all together, and I haven't touched a white potato in months. I eat Paleo 90% of the time, (sometimes, a girl needs rice) and I don't let emotions get in the way of my fitness goals, anymore...usually. I've worked very hard to develop a focus and not allow any amount of anger, sadness or frustration to steer me down the chip aisle. Yesterday, I gave in.

You see, yesterday morning I went to the courthouse and was granted a divorce. Most people know about this, or have figured it out due to the fact that I've dropped my married name off of all of my social media accounts. It's sad, when you love someone and it just doesn't work out. However, Matt and I are still on really great terms. We aren't at each others throats and we certainly don't hate each other. We just didn't work. End of story. I can logically look at this situation and see that everything is as it should be. Oh but emotional Holland, the hormonal weepy beast that lives inside of me, the one who loves "The Notebook" and thinks snuggling and kissing are the two greatest pass times on the planet, she came out yesterday. Not in the form of tears, or even anger, in the form of ravenous hunger. I literally ate everything I could find yesterday. Fruity pebbles? check. Pho? Check. Gummy bears? bet your ass.  I binge ate and felt no remorse. Until I had a splitting headache from the 4,567 grams of sugar I ingested. it was awful. I felt like garbage... actually... it's 12 hours and 2 clean meals later and I still feel like garbage. I'm so angry at myself for falling off the wagon so hard, and for allowing emotional Holland to ruin Crossfit Holland's hard work. Emotional Holland thought it was the end of the world though, and lets face it. if the world ends... my last meal damn well better have sour patch kids in it. 

when I woke up this morning, I was ashamed; at my behavior, at the EMPTY fruity peebles box sitting on the counter, but mostly of my inability to deal with this life change as an adult. So today, I am not going to feel sorry for myself, and I'm not going to be embarrassed. That's what all of this is rooted from, anyway. I'm 28 years old and I've got 2 divorces under my belt. That's quite a lot of baggage. However, this is the only life I get. My only desire is to sing and be happy. To have a family and to live the fullest life I can for as long as the good lord allows. I can look anyone in the eye and say that I've made some questionable decisions, but I don't consider one of them a mistake. I've learned so much about who I am, and what I actually want in life. Looking at it now, that isn't anything to be ashamed of. I'm proud of the chances I've taken, and the lessons I've learned. sure, I've stumbled, fell a few times, failed a few times, but that's life. That's what all of this is about. So when I leave the house today, I will do so with my head held high. Knowing that I'll get it right eventually, and there is no pressure to be perfect. Only opportunity to be the best me I can possibly be. 

Here's to life, love and the pursuit of Abs.